Tough to see the forest through the trees

I have been dreading writing this again. A few people have asked why I no longer write. The short answer I gave was, "Really? I have FOUR kids now; when do I have time?" Although there is some validity to that response, it really was not at the crux of the "why" I have not been writing. I am a pretty private person in that when I have some tough things in my life I really don't share these thoughts with anyone. So, it is with some doubt that I am going to write down the things I have been experiencing since the last posting BUT the reason I am sharing is for those people who may stumble across this blog in their own adoption journey. It is also for those friends and family who do follow this and think I have been responding to them in a different way than usual.
I have known that I was stuggling with a flurry of regret, guilt, anger, and depression since things settled down from returning home from Russia. In some ways it was like the "baby blues" in that I had longed for the boys for so long and completed so many obstacle courses in order to bring them home. Of course, reality bites at times. (This is a little of a shout out to an old-school movie with Winona Ryder, Ben Stiller, and Ethan Hawke). In our preparation we took some on-line trainings for how to deal with all of the difficulties of being an adoptive parent. Our social worker educated us as well on "what to expect". I found that it has not really been the adoption part which has been most difficult, but really it has been the expansion from our family of four to a family of six. I think that this process has impacted most my relationship with the girls. For Samantha, I think the adoption has mostly been a wonderful thing as my limited availabilty at times has forced her to become more independent and better with her time-management skills. She struggles at time with things that a pre-adolescent should struggle with, and also continues with her battle to overcome the challenges of living with diabetes. She is growing into a beautiful young lady. I have several "growing pains" stories I would love to share, but will spare her the embarrasment until she may be a little older and can appreciate the humor in it. Callie, on the other hand, is the child I feel has been most cheated by my increased parenting demands. She truly is my ray of sunshine as she barrels into my legs hugging me when I get home from work, smiles with her gap-toothed grin as her eyes twinkle, and seems to remain positive through most kindergarten challenges. She has transformed into a caring big sister for the boys and remains patient.... UNLESS they eat her Tic Tacs... then all bets are off. She is still my cuddle bug, even when I have several other little bugs vying for some time.
Regret. This is not something someone can live a healthy, well-adjusted life as it will suffocate you. I have figured out that I regret not being appreciative of our lives pre-adoption. We actually had a pretty nice life. Although we were never "rolling in the dough" we could pick up a pizza and not have to worry about paying the power bill. After the regret for our prior life follows guilt. The guilt creeps in through the cracks like the wispy black smoke of the Dementors (Harry Potter fans will get this analogy for those of you non-HP fans so sorry). Guilt is felt because my inner voice is saying, "Hey, lady, you just spent a ton of money and countless hours and asked your family to make huge sacrifices and you are thinking everything is not WONDERFUL???? What is wrong with you??"
Anger. This arises when I feel overwhelmed by it all and I revert back to some of the primary emotions humans encounter. I get angry that I feel that I have lost "me" and that everything is tied into the never-ending schedule of "stuff" that comes along with the family. I get angry that I cannot take time to do things that I want to do. I become angry with Chad that he still has time to do some of the things he enjoys when I am still standing on my feet doing my third job that does not pay me (laundry, cleaning ears, etc.)As a disclaimer, he does work 12 hour days six days a week, with a two hour commute and cooks dinner several nights a week. This anger is part of the vicious cycle that then leads back to guilt. I should not feel this way as I am a mother and as Callie asked yesterday yes, I would throw myself in front of a bullet for my children. Actually, the conversation went thus; Mom, I know no one would ever want to shoot me, but if someone did try, I know you would throw yourself in front of me right?
Depression. Anger forced inward. I also equate this with feeling like I am not good enough to accomplish all of things a "good" mom and wife does. Sometimes I need to get out of my own head for a while to recognize everyone feels a sense of inadequacy at times. I know I am my worst critic (with maybe Samantha being a close second).

In summarization, the fog dissipated in my thinking when I was sick a couple of weeks ago and had to remain in bed for several days. I went to my doctor and she asked how things were going. Wrong question when I was on "E" in my emotional tank and my guard was lowered since I felt so crappy. I told her that I was going to respond with the socially accepted answer but reality was I needed a break and it was too bad it took near pneumonia for me to get it. She told me something that allowed me to cut myself a break. And that is that we not only have increased our family but adopting the boys being so close in age it is very much like raising twins. Zing! An electric current ran through my body. Her statement allowed me to rationalize all of the different things I was feeling and that really it was all pretty normal. Chad also said something the other day that made sense too. Callie had her "BFF" spend the night for her first sleepover. I wanted the house to look nice so the BFF's mother would not judge us and allow her daughter to return as Callie really seems to like her friend. When I asked Chad to come into the living room and wait for the mother to come inside to meet her he stated, "She's going to know we aren't normal no matter what you do". Thus, what really is the "normal" family? What is really the "normal" adoptive family? What really is a "normal" woman whom is a mother?

I will leave things with this interaction I had with Pasha this morning. I was hustling to get the boys out to the car this morning and told them to head on out while I gathered a few things. Pasha stood in the doorway and said, "Mom, I am going to wait for you forever". I asked him why he was going to wait for me as he could head out to the car. He thought for a minute and said, "I wait... because you clean". He probably did not have the language to tell me that he was going to wait for me because he thought it was the nice thing to do. Apparently, he knows I love him because I clean. But please, call before you stop by so I can hurriedly hide things!

Upcoming events

Today is the calm before the storm and a VERY big weekend in the Lydic family. My little sister is getting married tomorrow. All of us with the exception of Chad are in the wedding. I am the matron of honor, and today when I was supposed to be listening to a presentation at work I was writing my toast for the reception. I think it may a bit long in comparison to most toasts but I am going to milk it for all its worth as it will be one of the few times in my life that I can say how awesome my sister is and how much I love her. The boys are not going to know what hit them. Callie is looking forward to her moment in the limelight with her beautiful princess dress. This morning on the way to work Sam and I were in the car alone. She shared she was anxious that the wedding would not turn out to be perfect. I thought that maybe this would be the MOMENT to give her some sage advice on her ideas of something not being wonderful if it wasn't perfect or something went wrong. I said that to strive for perfection is a noble thing, but to expect perfection leads to a lot of disappointments. She wants everything to go the way Jessica wants; this led to the discussion of how things may not transpire the way Samantha wants them. For example, the music may not be to her liking but that is not important as it is the music Jess and Matt chose for their reception.
I have caught the respiratory illness that Chad has suffered with for the last week. I guess I need to stop by the urgent care clinic on the way home and hope the physician feels what I have can be treated by a wonder drug which will make me feel better by tomorrow afternoon. I am not hopeful this would be the case, but I am trying to be optimistic. Either way, I will put on a happy face because it is a very important day for one of the most important people in my life. I will post pictures from the wedding soon.

Dog days of summer

This week has been wonderful as it is full blown summer. I LOVE summer. We have enjoyed being outdoors every afternoon this week with the kids. A family friend gave us a sprinkler and the kids enjoyed it very much. It was in the shape of a hula hoop and sprayed quite a bit of water in all directions. Initially the boys wanted to run by the sprinkler and eventually Ruslan enjoyed getting his head completely wet. They enjoyed watching the girls run through the center of it. Ruslan let Sam carry him on her back through the middle and then he ran through it several times. Pasha really doesn't like to have his face get wet so he preferred to watch everyone else run through. The water was really cold (from our well) so I didn't really blame him for his reluctance. I posted a few pictures in this blog from their sprinkler experience. Another day we broke out the Slip and Slide we had for the kids. Jessica gave it to Sam for a birthday gift and I never got around to opening it. We have to be careful in using sprinklers and things as our well can get kind of low and we don't want to have to haul water as that gets really expensive. Since we have had so much rain, our water level is pretty good and we can let the kids enjoy the sprinklers on these really hot days. The problem that occurs is that the boys think that this activity is something we can do every afternoon after their nap. The few times this week we couldn't play in the water outside Ruslan whined and cried until I could distract him with another activity.

Samantha began her softball season this week too. We had three games this week and the boys have been pretty well behaved. They really like that they get M & Ms and we like it since it keeps them occupied. Pasha likes to say "boom" when they hit the ball.

We learned this week that the boys do use foul language. Thursday morning during breakfast Pasha told me he did not like the breakfast I had prepared for him and it tasted like poop. The only English word he used was "poop". Samantha kept repeating words the boys said and the boys would laugh hysterically. I asked her on the way to the babysitter's to please stop because she didn't know what she was repeating. Sure enough, my wise friend Sonia had Sam look up online a translation of the words and they were curse words. Sonia caught Pasha saying one of the words later and told him "no". The jig was up buddy. Later in the afternoon at home he tried it here and he got the same response from me. Hopefully that is the end of that business.

We have another busy week of heading to Macomb for therapy in the mornings and then getting haircuts and fittings for the wedding next weekend. I hope the wedding is enjoyable for everyone. I think it will be nice to have some family pictures taken of us all dressed up.

I will post more in the next few days with updates on our routines and such. Things are going much better than we could have ever hoped. The boys are enjoying the special attention they get at their grandparents too. I will leave things with that because I have to rinse out the hair color from my head and then go to bed. My life is so full and every night I lie my head on the pillow I am thankful for taking a chance on going half way around the world to meet two little boys we had only dreamed of ever meeting.

Chocolate lovers unite

We made it through my first week back to work of half days. Although I have to still get up earlier than I would like, things went fairly smoothly. Friday night my sister, mom, Sam and I met up with Jess and two of her friends for dinner at Sully’s in Peoria. It hadn’t changed much since my early to mid 20s when it was a semi-regular hangout for me. We were there early enough that we completely missed the “in crowd”. I had wanted to stay and go out with Jess and her friends but this mom of four is snoozing by 10. Either way I would be awakened early by the boys. It ended up that Jess said Peoria was kind of dead that night so I didn’t miss out on much. Chad woke up pretty sick Saturday morning so I did my best to keep the boys occupied until after 10am so he could sleep. When he woke up he had the sexiest voice (his cold lowered his pitch quite a bit… think Sam Eliot) so I asked him to keep talking to me all morning long.
We headed into Galesburg to get groceries and take the boys to Ducky’s for their fittings for the wedding. They looked so handsome in the tuxedo, and were so proud when we told them how handsome they were. Chad took some pictures with his phone and sent them to family. It was really hot that day so after their naps I hooked up the sprinkler for them. While they were napping I finished reading a book I had started on the way back from Russia. It was a pretty good and well written story about a mother whom struggled to get beyond a mistake she had made in her youth but in the end determined that she was in control of her destiny and was not saved by her husband, father, or anyone else. She did it all herself. It was kind of refreshing to read a novel about a woman’s self-discovery.
Saturday night Chad’s parents came over for dinner. Earlier in the afternoon I made some cupcakes for dessert. The boys were VERY interested in watching me cook. They are pretty intrigued by all of the different appliances we have in the house. I am pretty certain they had never seen a washing machine, dishwasher, or stove before. Is it a bad thing that I didn’t offer them the beaters to lick? Yes, I licked them both myself quickly while they were playing with their trucks in the dining room not paying attention to me. While I did this, I thought back to the story I have been told of a similar behavior I displayed as a young child. I was about four I think (I can’t remember the incident but have heard of it many times) and I went to the next door neighbors house to play. The mother came to the door and found me standing there with a King-sized bag of M & Ms. She told me I couldn’t come in to play unless I planned on sharing my candy with everyone. Now, if you are a chocolate lover such as myself, what would you do? Yep, I stuffed the remainder of the bag into my mouth. The next thing that happened (according to the story) was that I began to choke, requiring the mom to do a finger sweep of mouth. I guess I didn’t really learn my lesson as here I was at 37 years of age, standing over the sink, licking the beaters clean since I didn’t want to share with my sons. The really bad part is that I put thought into the situation… I mean, if I let them do it this one time, they are always going to want to lick them. Why start now? I ended up feeling really bad about not sharing. I did feel better when I gave them their first cupcake with frosting and sprinkles. The smiles on their faces and their glistening eyes portrayed sheer joy. It really is the little things. Maybe in the future I will wait until they go to bed so I don’t have to deal with the guilt.

Contemplating name change

I have not really investigated all of the bells and whistles with blogspot, but I am considering trying to figure out how to change the name of my blog. Maybe I just need to switch to starting a new blog. I don't know. I was just thinking tonight that Gipsonfamilyadoption is really now simply Gipsonfamilytryingtofigureouthowtobeafamilywiththenewadditions. Hmm, that would be a pain to type. Today was day two of my return to half days and bringing all of the kids with me. The kids were not quite as quick to wake this morning but the timing still worked out okay. I changed the carseat for Ruslan to a full booster car seat with a back as he has been putting the shoulder strap behind him because he does not like it across his chest. So, he began to cry shortly after leaving Cameron and cried hard (his typical way of crying it is all out or nothing) all the way to Roseville. I spoke to him both in English and Russian and had the girls show him how they wore their shoulder straps and that his brother was wearing his shoulder strap as well. I double-checked to make sure the shoulder strap was not too tight. It fit just the way it is supposed to. I figured out that he doesn't like being confined and really likes to be able to look out the windows and lean forward in his seat. Once we hit Roseville, the tears stopped and crying ceased instantly. It was so strange, as there was no de-escalation of the crying where kids will do the funny breathing thing. He just stopped and sat quietly with a blank look on his face. The girls cheered for him stopping and told him "bravo" (which is the word the boys use to cheer each other and us on for a job well done whether it be eating all of our food or cleaning up our toys).
We arrived at Jenni's without further incident with the exception of some nasty rain; it didn't look promising for a trip to the playground today. I was pretty happy to get back into things at work as I missed the students and my coworkers. The morning went by pretty quickly again until the kids came for the boys' therapy session at noon. During that time I am supervising another child in the adjacent room. I had briefly greeted all of the kids and ushered the boys into their therapy room. After I had finished supervising my clinician, I stepped into the observation room. Ruslan was lying on the floor crying and having a mini-meltdown. My colleague was seated next to him and the student clinician was doing her best to keep Pasha entertained while attempting to get him to imitated target words in English (which he was doing quite well as long as she didn't try to directly interact with him). Ruslan's behavior escalated and I began to see behaviors I had never seen before. He began to tune out because the situation was scary for him and too much to handle. My colleague was excellent in her instincts and sat near him, keeping him safe but acting like she really wasn't attending to his tantrum. He eventually decided he wanted to play with the items she had out and when she required him to say the item before she handed it over he became angry. He yelled at her in Russian to "give that to me" and a few other phrases that I couldn't recognize. When there were only a few minutes left of the session I walked into the room and sat quietly against the opposite wall. Pasha looked up at me and smiled but Ruslan did not appear to acknowledge my presence. Whoa, this situation was almost exactly like the "strange situation" I have studied that reveals how a child is attached. I had to approach him and I placed my cheek next to his and told him "mama was here". He would not engage in eye contact with me until I began to sing the clean up song and then he readily began to place things where they belonged. He really did not seem in tune with me until we were out of the therapy room. After the session I spoke briefly with my colleague (who is an adoptive parent herself) and she said Ruslan smiled briefly when I walked into the room and visibly relaxed. Hearing this really made me feel better. She also stated she felt he was cursing her out in Russian (which maybe he was as his tone of voice indicated so). We will try again next week but I am beginning to wonder if it is too soon for speech therapy. He has experienced so many changes in his life in the last week. For this reason, I think I will put physical therapy on hold until July. I may have to begin to participate in his speech therapy sessions as well. Maybe the Lord felt I needed to be on the other side of the fence to learn how the families I work with feel when their child is in therapy. It definitely was a humbling experience and I ached for Ruslan as he was definitely frustrated and confused. Pasha was not quite himself during the session either but he seemed to not be as frustrated and confused.
After therapy we headed back to the car and Ruslan climbed into his seat without complaint. Whew; not another forty minute car ride of crying. Both boys fell asleep on the way home again. I wish they would stay awake until we got home so they would nap there rather than in the car. After a small cup of juice at home they willingly laid down for their "nap" which has really become more of a "rest time". Sam and Chad played video games and Callie watched her shows while I took a nap. A nice way to spend a rainy afternoon as far as I am concerned.
Callie and Sam left around 4:30 with their dad, which caused Ruslan to begin to cry again. He wanted to get his shoes on and go with them. No way was I going to be able to explain that one. Instead Chad and I decided to head to town to pick up a prescription for Sam at Walgreen's just to get out of the house. The boys enjoy riding in the car for the most part and it was a good way to kill an hour. Chad made dinner tonight (yea for my husband) and the boys played quietly (yea for the boys). They kept asking where Callie was, and really became concerned when we sat down to eat and the girls weren't home yet (a change in our routine). Sam had her sports physical at the school tonight so the girls didn't get home until the boys were going to bed. I wonder how it will go this weekend when the girls are gone with their dad. I never thought how explaining such things would be so difficult. They have so many transitions in their daily lives that I am amazed they handle all of them as well as they do. I am beginning to wonder if maybe I should use some of the picture schedules I had prepared.
I have the bachelorette party tomorrow night. Jess told me she found the dress she wanted for her night out complete with a tiara. She had been looking for a dress that was "sexy but not sleazy". I didn't laugh when she told me but am now as I am typing this. The laughter is not simply due to what she said, it is how it transported me back in time to when I was searching for my bachelorette party outfit. I definitely went with "sexy AND sleazy". I was a bit younger than her (ripe age of 21); and those days liked the attention I received when I wore such things (think the mid 90s with all of the bare midriff tops and short shorts). I have to attribute it to my self-imposed ugly duckling syndrome. So I am trying to find something in my own wardrobe which is flattering for my figure (teehee) without looking like I am trying too hard (come on I will be surrounded by nubile tight little bodies so what is the point) and if ONE person calls me a cougar I will not be happy. Maybe I will post some pictures of the results of our night out.

Home- days 7 and 8

Things keep moving along, and it seems that the days are flying by. Yesterday we drove to St. Louis to see the international adoption specialist. Four hours drive there, at the office for three and a half hours, and four hours drive back. Samantha came with us and was a great help. The boys once again pleasantly surprised me. The doctor made some recommendations to us for immunizations and referrals to specialists for Ruslan. I am trying to determine what is going on with my insurance as I am a part of the state of Illinois employees whom are affected by the changes in the plans offered. Nobody really knows what is going on except I no longer have the option of a HMO. I can't take the kids to Children's Hospital of Illinois. This sounds so crazy to me that I can't access the closest children's hospital. We will have to change from the pediatric diabetes clinic that Sam has gone to since her diagnosis six years ago.
Today I began working half days Monday through Thursday supervising at the speech clinic for the next few weeks. The kids all come with me and I have a sitter for three hours and then the boys come to the clinic for their therapy. It makes for an early morning but at least we will be done by the second week of July and then it will be truly summer vacation (well, Chad has to work so not vacation for everyone).
People keep asking me how things are going and I find myself almost wondering if there is something looming on the horizon since I am feeling pretty good about our big life change. I try to reflect upon how this is affecting the kids as really this is about me (but I have made sure to get my sleep so I don't lose my mind). Tonight while the Stouffer's lasagna (thanks again Amanda and Stef)was cooking I even got to read a book in the bath. I did have two visitors want to climb in (Ruslan first and then Callie later) but I convinced them I wouldn't be a fun bathing partner. Of course, there was an incident with a marker on the floor when Dad was supposed to be supervising but that is what the magic eraser is for, right?
This Friday I have the bachelorette party for Jessica. I have been thinking about it this week and it has been making me feel really old. I am really happy as she has found herself I think an excellent partner in life in Matt.

Home- day 4 and 5

I have had two different family members tell me that others have asked why oh why I haven't kept up blogging daily with updates. I stated before I plan to continue blogging now that we are home as our journey as a family has just begun. I will hold to this statement but have quickly realized that the biological need for sleep sets in once the kids are in bed. Last night I felt like a champion marathon runner as I was able to stay awake until 10pm for the first time in weeks! I still wasn't able to make it through an entire DVR'd episode of Celebrity apprentice (thanks Dad for not disclosing your spoiler alert today... Grandpa was snickering in heaven I am sure). Things continue to move along pretty well here. I no longer require an alarm clock as Ruslan keeps time just fine... 6:30am every morning. Yesterday we headed to Chad's parents in Little York for a belated birthday celebration for his mom. His family was greatly anticipating our arrival as they had allowed us a few days at home alone for bonding. The boys did not seem fazed by all of the people but checked in with Chad and I every once in a while. Papa Mike has several remote controlled tractors which the boys loved. Amanda put out quite a spread of food with Stefanie making a mean turtle cheesecake. Pasha followed Mike around quite a bit and whenever he needed help with his tractor he took it to Mike. Uncle Chad and Aunt Amanda brought their puppy Lily. Initially all of the dogs were kenneled inside so the boys wouldn't get scared. We had been outside all afternoon and they had brought one of their doggie outfits. They wondered if Lily wore a dress the boys would find her less intimidating. Sure enough, Ruslan was ALL OVER Lily when Chad put her on a leash in her dress and took her out into the yard. Ruslan wanted Lily to lick his face. Pasha still wasn't sure about it but was interested that his brother was so comfortable with Lily. The boys seemed to really enjoy being outside all afternoon. Last night we were all pretty tired from the long day (the girls had gone to church in the morning and I had gone down to Macomb to do some grading in my office). After the boys went to bed, Callie asked for a snack. She wanted to have an apple as she had seen the boys eating an apple for their bedtime snack. She saw in the fruit bowl that there was one apple and one orange left. She then said that since Pasha is allergic to oranges maybe she should eat the orange rather than the apple. I was so proud of her that she was thinking of others first rather than herself, but told her that she could have the apple as we could go to the store and buy more for Pasha.
Today we had a Memorial Day lunch at my parent's at Lake Warren. This morning the kids played outside on our swingset for a little while and I went through some clothes a family friend had given us. I was so excited that the family had thought enough to give us their son's outgrown clothes. They were in really good shape and just the right sizes for the boys. The boys enjoyed playing in the sandbox and dangling their feet in the water off of the dock. Grandma Argyle got to meet them for the first time. Pasha really enjoys playing with Jessica's fiancee Matt. I am hoping that this will be an added incentive for Pasha to walk down the aisle in a couple of weeks in their wedding!
Reality has begun to set in. The reality of things is that I am the mother of four children. Four mouths to feed, bathe, and clothe. I had a moment tonight when I had to leave the room behind me with a chorus of "mamas". Yes, all FOUR kids were saying my name in that tone of voice which means they need something. One dropped their fork, one wanted a napkin, one didn't like the food, and the fourth needed a towel in the bathroom. I know you may be thinking... hey lady, you signed up for this, you completed a ream of paper of copies and another ream of paper of forms and paid tens of thousands of dollars to increase your family through the wonderful option of adoption. Yes indeed I did all of those things (with the support of my wonderful dear husband and family). That doesn't mean there are times I need a break. Even though it is only day five. So here's the payoff. As I was putting the boys to bed, I hit my head on their bunk bed (I really hate bunk beds for this reason). I sat down hard on the floor and held my head cause it really hurt and I had my mouth clamped shut to avoid the spillage of profanity. Pasha jumped out of bed and Ruslan quickly followed and they both kissed me and hugged me and spoke soothingly in Russian. A half hour later during Callie's bedtime I hit my head on her bunk bed TOO (thankfully this time it was the back of my head). She spoke soothingly to me in English (in a strangely familiar way) and kissed me and hugged me. As a type now I can still feel the ache from both places on my head; but the overriding feeling of my heart feeling full makes it easy to push the pain from my head. I know there will be many tough days (and nights)ahead; but there will also be many wonderful ones too. Oh, and Ruslan is now chasing our little dog around the house (thank you Uncle Chad and Lily).
Tomorrow we head to the international adoption physician for our post-adoption evaluation. She will do a thorough examination of both boys, look at the medical records we received (so scanty in information it is almost humourous) and recommend a plan of treatment for immunization and overall developmental intervention. Happy Memorial Day to everyone.